Life is so hard. How can we be anything but kind?

Life flows. Flows like yesterday is already gone and tomorrow is somewhere far away. Sure, this feeling changes, when you're really looking forward to something or when last days were so amazing you'd like to repeat again and again. But the beauty is - everything is changing. And this time when everything is so intensive that i'm living, as G says, as a mother of two kinds, i feel pretty comfortable that if i'd know that i have only one year to live, i wouldn't change anything. I'm grateful about my work, my family, my friends, my activities, each day i have many things to thank for. I know sometimes it might be hard to recognize the value which is in every person we meet, every experience we had and every feeling we felt. But the truth is - everything happens for a reason. We meet people who make us learn something. We visit places which makes us richer (either outside or inside). We do things which make value for us. To become who you really are - as smart book says. 

Somehow it feels like the ideal me is coming somewhere closer to the one i am now. And you know, i can't hide a smile, cause some of the features of ideal me is so far away, that i can't even imagine myself of being that perfect. But that doesn't change the fact, that freedom inside me is raising and that i feel calm about the world i live in. I know, this feeling might be temporary, I know that it's not perfect, I know that it might crash so suddenly that all these words could mean nothing in a minute. But here and now - i feel grateful and joyful. And what you can do about the spring inside when winter is all around - just let it shine :)  

New years resolutions. Haven't done any yet. The year itself started quite fresh and it's not easy to catch up with all the new things i'm starting. Somehow it starts with the things i was lack of last year, and even if it is uncertain for sure, i believe that everything what happens, happens for a reason. I remember the idea of a book, that we're all creating the life with our thoughts and maybe that's right, cause that's one of the ways i could explain how i do get the work i want or how do i stand in a place i am. And at this point i really need to believe. To believe that everything is for the best and i'm going the way i need to go, to become the real me. Sometimes i feel uncertain, even scared or angry, but if i'd look it from the perspective - i'm happy. Happy to be back into busy life, happy to be closer to my dream, happy to be closer to the people i like, happy to find ways, to create trust, to learn how to talk with the significant ones, happy about decisions i'm making... I don't know how to cook for twelve persons, but i'll do that. I don't know how to write my master's thesis, but i'll do that. I don't know how to set boundaries for the youngsters i'm working with, but i'll do that. And i know i'll learn many new things this year. As i always do. 

Summing up last year experience, i found out that there is no need to worry - last summer really made me realize that. Wherever you go - go with all your heart. Yes, it might be broken. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Paris, Copenhagen - traveling is the thing which refreshes me. That's important. Volunteering and people i met there - i feel that one day there will be an end for that. But as long as i stay - i know it's a big part of my life and it really made me grow as a person. And all those people, talkings, hugs and kisses, laugh, cries and tears, seas and vine bottles we drank - it's the joy. The joy i'm most grateful about. 

I promise i'll write my new years resolutions as soon as i'll receive my dream day planner. Thank you for making my dreams come true. 

How many steps you need to take to feel like something is changed? Changed the way you didn't plan, changed the way it can not be taken back. Sometimes - hundreds. Walking, walking, walking, and still feeling like the chin is holding back as a hard stone. Sometimes - just a few. Usually these are the ones which hurts the most. Hurts so much that you know - it can never be the same again. But there's also the funny way how God is working. He's creating the plans you'd never believe it would be true one day. Or maybe we're creating them by our thoughts, minds, wishes and whispers in the air while watching falling stars. Who knows who is responsible for the places we're visiting, situations we're living in, people we're meeting, feelings we're feeling...Somehow i think it's our own responsibility. The one which i should take by myself, considering the fact that if i really want something - all the universe is trying to help. Sometimes it happens in really strange ways. Like firstly knowing what i don't want, to realize what i really need. To be down and upset and feel happy afterwards. To be disappointed. To be lost. And than it just starts to click like a puzzle - one by one and it shows the nice picture i was going to, but i thought i had lost my way. So that's how things are happening - always unexpected. Sometimes so unexpected that it's hard to handle. Two things to remember: everything works as it should; nothing is more permanent than temporary. And don't forget to love. Love, love, love as nobody hurts you, love as this is the only thing you know how to do, love like there is no fear of loneliness, love like it's the only choice you have.   

For me - this world is crazy. We were saying "this is the best year ever" and the year comes to an end with full of unfulfilled expectations. Sadly saying "next ones will be the best, for sure!" we were planing our happiness to postpone till the better days come. And only few weeks-days-minutes and somehow it's hard to believe were i'm standing. On the border of the changes, feeling breeze like new fresh air and thinking - isn't it what i was wishing for? As i said - everything is unexpected. My today's happiness doesn't guarantee me any future. But the fact is - live here and now. Tomorrow is the day which may or may not come. So enjoy happiness today. And if it takes you to the brighter tomorrow - say the mantra you know: thank you, thank you, thank you. 

You don't know how lucky you are.  Until snow came and reminds you of little joys which are hidden under the simple things. You don't know how lucky you are until someone makes you laugh till your cheeks hurt. Till your dreams are accepted and you hear someone saying: hey, sure you can do whatever you'd like to! And that makes you think again that everything works as it should. Sometimes i do forget that. Sometimes i stop to believe, to trust and i hide under the blankets. Life looks safer from there. But nothing is more permanent than temporary. 

Everything comes and goes. So at this time winter came and somehow it brings me the inner piece i was really lack of. If I'd think logically - nothing is changed: i still have deadlines, exams' session, no job, no plan for the future,.. But as it is said: how you look is how you see. 

Simple things makes me happy. Somehow snow this time is one of the simple things i really like. 

Diena tylos. Gan priverstinės, kuomet balsas tiesiog atsisako funkcionuoti. Gal ir gerai, nors daugiau klausytis ir mažiau kalbėti atrodo jau esu išmokusi. Galvoju, jog nėra tai visuomenės norma (gal todėl kartais jaučiuosi neišgirsta). Tačiau pradėti keisti pasaulį reikia nuo savęs. Kad ir mažais žingsneliais. Nors šiuo metu esu visiškai vienoj vietoj. Ne tik todėl, kad puola gripai ir anginos. Labiau atvirkščiai - puola gripai, nes esu vietoj ir jaučiu, kad taip susisukus į patalus, apsiklojus ir apsivyniojus man saugu, patogu tik kažkaip vidinis diskomfortas. Kad pasaulis juda ir sukasi, o aš kažkaip ne. Tada ir kyla mintys ir idėjos apie keitimą miesto, šukuosenos ar požiūrio. Fake it till you make it - mokė mane vienas nelaimingiausių žmonių, kokius kada esu sutikusi. Prieš save neprifeikinsi. Bent jau ne po tiek valandų, praleistų galvojant kam/kaip/kodėl/su kuo/dėl ko... 

Natūraliai leidžiu sau sustoti, būti, galvoti, išbūti tą laiką ir tas mintis, kurios dabar yra. Nežinau ar tai teisingiausias kelias. Galbūt ne. Tačiau šiuo metu taip būnu, nes taip man būnasi. Galbūt kartais aplinkiniams dėl to nėra su manimi paprasta. Ir nežinau kiek labai galiu kažko duoti, kuomet pačiai norisi dėmesio, šilumos, gražaus žodžio ir apkabinimo. Noris tikėt, kad ne "į skolą" ar "mainais" santykis kuriamas. Kad tiek, kiek sukūriam, yra užtektinai, jog galėčiau būti savimi ne tik parodinės būsenos. Deja, pamatuoti niekaip neįmanoma. 

Rašau laiškus, prisimenu, ieškau dėmesio... Kažkokios tuštumos. Įdomu, kuo gi jas užpildysiu. 

 If Į could tell a word to describe this week i'd choose hurricane. But in the mean time there was some nice pictures done.  

Nuo šios dainos prasidėjo blog'o istorija - i see the world through <you>. Rašymas vis verčia pamąstyti ir permąstyti apie tai, kas vyksta, kaip jaučiuosi, kur esu, kur link einu. Ir kai šiandien V. kalbėjo apie tai, kaip stengiasi prastebėti džiaugsmus savo kasdienybėj, galvoju išties - šalia žvilgsnio kiek laiptų dar liko, svarbu pamatyti ir tai, kiek jau užlipom. Visur - moksle, karjeroj, santykyje, keksiukų kepime... :) 100 happy days tikrai gali padėti pastebėti mažus džiaugsmus. Kartais jie būna pačiais neįtikėčiausiais rūbais apsirėdę - šiltam žvilgsnyje, praeivio šypsenoje ar slaptame apkabinime. O gal tame pasakyme "Tu šauni", kuris priverčia nusišypsoti. Nežinau, ar kada nors uždirbsiu milijoną. Bet pagalvojus apie tai, kiek žmonių jau "uždirbau" savo gyvenime, pasidaro begal šilta. Ir taip kaip šiandien, bevaikštant vakarėjančiom gatvėm, prisiminti, kad gyvename čia ir dabar. Kad esame dabar, ir ateitis yra kažkas neapčiuopiamo.  

#Happyday

Kita vertus, svajonės ir tikslai mums rodo kryptį. Kryptį, kuria norime eiti, kryptį, kur link tobulėjame, kryptį, kuri veda mus geresnio rytojaus link. Ir jei iš tiesų reikėtų įsivaizduoti rytojaus dieną, kai nebėra jokių problemų gyvenime, turbūt vienas iš dalykų, kas man apie tai kalbėtų, yra tyla ir džiaugsmas, kuriuos jausčiau viduje visai taip pat, kaip jaučiu dabar. Kad viskas veikia taip kaip reikia. 

Dėkoju gyvenimui už žmones ir pokalbius. Jūs esate dovana. Viena brangiausių, kurias esu gavusi. Meluočiau, jei sakyčiau, kad padaryčiau dėl jūsų viską. Bet padaryčiau tikrai daug. 

Retkarčiais reikia priminti sau, kad svajonėms niekada nevėlu. 

Ir čia citata, kuri visai ne į temą, bet tokia taikli, kad noris ją kažkur išsaugot: "At the end of the day, sex isn’t just about sex, although it is, in itself, a pleasurable and significant part of life. It’s also about making real contact—a genuine give and take between two people. It ignites an atmosphere of warmth and intimacy. It is one more way to uphold the quality of romance and sense of companionship that makes relationships worthwhile—a means of making connection and keeping feelings alive in real time, face-to-face, without distraction."