How many steps you need to take to feel like something is changed? Changed the way you didn't plan, changed the way it can not be taken back. Sometimes - hundreds. Walking, walking, walking, and still feeling like the chin is holding back as a hard stone. Sometimes - just a few. Usually these are the ones which hurts the most. Hurts so much that you know - it can never be the same again. But there's also the funny way how God is working. He's creating the plans you'd never believe it would be true one day. Or maybe we're creating them by our thoughts, minds, wishes and whispers in the air while watching falling stars. Who knows who is responsible for the places we're visiting, situations we're living in, people we're meeting, feelings we're feeling...Somehow i think it's our own responsibility. The one which i should take by myself, considering the fact that if i really want something - all the universe is trying to help. Sometimes it happens in really strange ways. Like firstly knowing what i don't want, to realize what i really need. To be down and upset and feel happy afterwards. To be disappointed. To be lost. And than it just starts to click like a puzzle - one by one and it shows the nice picture i was going to, but i thought i had lost my way. So that's how things are happening - always unexpected. Sometimes so unexpected that it's hard to handle. Two things to remember: everything works as it should; nothing is more permanent than temporary. And don't forget to love. Love, love, love as nobody hurts you, love as this is the only thing you know how to do, love like there is no fear of loneliness, love like it's the only choice you have.   

For me - this world is crazy. We were saying "this is the best year ever" and the year comes to an end with full of unfulfilled expectations. Sadly saying "next ones will be the best, for sure!" we were planing our happiness to postpone till the better days come. And only few weeks-days-minutes and somehow it's hard to believe were i'm standing. On the border of the changes, feeling breeze like new fresh air and thinking - isn't it what i was wishing for? As i said - everything is unexpected. My today's happiness doesn't guarantee me any future. But the fact is - live here and now. Tomorrow is the day which may or may not come. So enjoy happiness today. And if it takes you to the brighter tomorrow - say the mantra you know: thank you, thank you, thank you. 

You don't know how lucky you are.  Until snow came and reminds you of little joys which are hidden under the simple things. You don't know how lucky you are until someone makes you laugh till your cheeks hurt. Till your dreams are accepted and you hear someone saying: hey, sure you can do whatever you'd like to! And that makes you think again that everything works as it should. Sometimes i do forget that. Sometimes i stop to believe, to trust and i hide under the blankets. Life looks safer from there. But nothing is more permanent than temporary. 

Everything comes and goes. So at this time winter came and somehow it brings me the inner piece i was really lack of. If I'd think logically - nothing is changed: i still have deadlines, exams' session, no job, no plan for the future,.. But as it is said: how you look is how you see. 

Simple things makes me happy. Somehow snow this time is one of the simple things i really like. 

Diena tylos. Gan priverstinės, kuomet balsas tiesiog atsisako funkcionuoti. Gal ir gerai, nors daugiau klausytis ir mažiau kalbėti atrodo jau esu išmokusi. Galvoju, jog nėra tai visuomenės norma (gal todėl kartais jaučiuosi neišgirsta). Tačiau pradėti keisti pasaulį reikia nuo savęs. Kad ir mažais žingsneliais. Nors šiuo metu esu visiškai vienoj vietoj. Ne tik todėl, kad puola gripai ir anginos. Labiau atvirkščiai - puola gripai, nes esu vietoj ir jaučiu, kad taip susisukus į patalus, apsiklojus ir apsivyniojus man saugu, patogu tik kažkaip vidinis diskomfortas. Kad pasaulis juda ir sukasi, o aš kažkaip ne. Tada ir kyla mintys ir idėjos apie keitimą miesto, šukuosenos ar požiūrio. Fake it till you make it - mokė mane vienas nelaimingiausių žmonių, kokius kada esu sutikusi. Prieš save neprifeikinsi. Bent jau ne po tiek valandų, praleistų galvojant kam/kaip/kodėl/su kuo/dėl ko... 

Natūraliai leidžiu sau sustoti, būti, galvoti, išbūti tą laiką ir tas mintis, kurios dabar yra. Nežinau ar tai teisingiausias kelias. Galbūt ne. Tačiau šiuo metu taip būnu, nes taip man būnasi. Galbūt kartais aplinkiniams dėl to nėra su manimi paprasta. Ir nežinau kiek labai galiu kažko duoti, kuomet pačiai norisi dėmesio, šilumos, gražaus žodžio ir apkabinimo. Noris tikėt, kad ne "į skolą" ar "mainais" santykis kuriamas. Kad tiek, kiek sukūriam, yra užtektinai, jog galėčiau būti savimi ne tik parodinės būsenos. Deja, pamatuoti niekaip neįmanoma. 

Rašau laiškus, prisimenu, ieškau dėmesio... Kažkokios tuštumos. Įdomu, kuo gi jas užpildysiu. 

 If Į could tell a word to describe this week i'd choose hurricane. But in the mean time there was some nice pictures done.  

Nuo šios dainos prasidėjo blog'o istorija - i see the world through <you>. Rašymas vis verčia pamąstyti ir permąstyti apie tai, kas vyksta, kaip jaučiuosi, kur esu, kur link einu. Ir kai šiandien V. kalbėjo apie tai, kaip stengiasi prastebėti džiaugsmus savo kasdienybėj, galvoju išties - šalia žvilgsnio kiek laiptų dar liko, svarbu pamatyti ir tai, kiek jau užlipom. Visur - moksle, karjeroj, santykyje, keksiukų kepime... :) 100 happy days tikrai gali padėti pastebėti mažus džiaugsmus. Kartais jie būna pačiais neįtikėčiausiais rūbais apsirėdę - šiltam žvilgsnyje, praeivio šypsenoje ar slaptame apkabinime. O gal tame pasakyme "Tu šauni", kuris priverčia nusišypsoti. Nežinau, ar kada nors uždirbsiu milijoną. Bet pagalvojus apie tai, kiek žmonių jau "uždirbau" savo gyvenime, pasidaro begal šilta. Ir taip kaip šiandien, bevaikštant vakarėjančiom gatvėm, prisiminti, kad gyvename čia ir dabar. Kad esame dabar, ir ateitis yra kažkas neapčiuopiamo.  

#Happyday

Kita vertus, svajonės ir tikslai mums rodo kryptį. Kryptį, kuria norime eiti, kryptį, kur link tobulėjame, kryptį, kuri veda mus geresnio rytojaus link. Ir jei iš tiesų reikėtų įsivaizduoti rytojaus dieną, kai nebėra jokių problemų gyvenime, turbūt vienas iš dalykų, kas man apie tai kalbėtų, yra tyla ir džiaugsmas, kuriuos jausčiau viduje visai taip pat, kaip jaučiu dabar. Kad viskas veikia taip kaip reikia. 

Dėkoju gyvenimui už žmones ir pokalbius. Jūs esate dovana. Viena brangiausių, kurias esu gavusi. Meluočiau, jei sakyčiau, kad padaryčiau dėl jūsų viską. Bet padaryčiau tikrai daug. 

Retkarčiais reikia priminti sau, kad svajonėms niekada nevėlu. 

Ir čia citata, kuri visai ne į temą, bet tokia taikli, kad noris ją kažkur išsaugot: "At the end of the day, sex isn’t just about sex, although it is, in itself, a pleasurable and significant part of life. It’s also about making real contact—a genuine give and take between two people. It ignites an atmosphere of warmth and intimacy. It is one more way to uphold the quality of romance and sense of companionship that makes relationships worthwhile—a means of making connection and keeping feelings alive in real time, face-to-face, without distraction."

Although Paris was Her dream, not mine, walking those streets i found myself as walking in my own dreamland. Maybe it was because of that Paris spirit all around or maybe because it was a gift for myself with no reason. But it really made me smile and joy. While walking in numerous capitals of Europe i can notice parts of the same, there are also difference which makes the cities unique. But now i'd rather choose a destination somewhere in a small cities by the oceans or seas. Or Barcelona. I have a dream about Barcelona. But that will not take long to come true. 

Choosing the places to visit is not the hardest thing to do. Choosing where you want to go by yourself or who you'd like to become - that's the tricky part. And sometimes i really don't know. But when i need to make a decisions like i did today i just go by the feeling where i belong. I know it's not logic or even smart, but what should i say - there is the only way i know. "Wherever you go - go with all your heart" said someone smart, and i know that i can't go where i do not belong. Hopefully in the end everything will be just the way it should. Live with love or live with fear. I choose love. And this choice should not let me down. 

People come and people go. When i was talking with a friend who's moving to other city, living in other country, reaching for a dream - i wonder what kind of thing is belonging. Is it a stable thing or just comes with the right people and activities around? And how much of unstable i can handle. There are those who i call taveler heart - who could live on the road, all their lives could be packed in a backpack, who are not afraid to get lost in the middle of nowhere. And i do adore those people. But also there are other ones, who are creating a warm and cosy home, baking pies and wearing fresh-washed sweaters. I look at them and feel a bit jealous of the warm feeling they can make so easily. I'm none of those. Or something in between. Or maybe on my way with a backpack to find those apple-pie-smelling home. 

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?”