Gyventi

Srūvant

Kaip upei

Iš platumų

Į lygumas

Ir atgal.

Ieškant

Patyrimų,

Žmonių,

Atodūsių

Ir atokvėpių.

Basomis

Nebijant susižeisti.

Gyventi

Atkarpomis

Kaip sąsiuvinio

Langeliais

Ar šachmatų

Lentos kvadratėliais:

Į priekį, šoną

Atgal.

Ir vėl nuo pradžios

Link galo.

Stebėtis.

Žavėtis.

Užsimerkti.

Gyventi, gyventi, gyventi...

The female side of me

This post even has a name on it. Not usual.

And it all started by the conversation:

-You need to write something on your blog.
- I don't want to. I feel quite down this time and all i'd write is how fu**ed up life is.
- Well, there is those kinds of posts as well.

And than i understood that i don't need to be chreerful all the time. And this time is pretty fu**ed up for me. I'm missing three of four most important parts (or joys) in my life. I don't feel passioned about anything. Somehow it just doesnt work as i imagine it should. Somehow? Well, yes, pretty pathetic to put the responsibility to anyone else, but me. I know all the shit about it's my own responsibility, i need to make moves to change something, But all i want to do now is complaint and someone to be patient with me. I'm happy I have those people which i can trust for better or for worse (and i love you to the moon and back!). But i don't like to be the grumpy one. That's why i prefer to stay on my own when it's bad. I know that's not a good option. And learning to let it go, to let it out is something i'm still working on. 

And there is one more thing (one more quote of conversation):

- I want love. Real, unconditional, crazy love with all the possible passion and butterflies included.
- That's sweet!
- But I start to have a doubt that this kind of shit is existing. 

And by saying that i mean this is the female side of me. I can be emotional, i can be insecure, i can be whatever you'd call a PMS woman would be. Usualy i try to avoid this part. But sometimes it just happens. And than i need a strong man to stay by my side. Who would say the same as i heard today: 

- You are a gorgeous girl, stupid! 

And that really makes me smile.

Talking/thinking about impossible/impossibilities is kind of my thing at this time of life. Impossible is nothing - saying nike advert and it's absolutely true when you really feel that way. But i am a human - i have doubts, insecurities or second thoughts. Even if I'm pretty much optimistic all the time, sometimes i feel lost in all the possible scenarious which could happen to me. Some of them i'd really look forward. Some... some are scary and sad. That's why i'm kind of pushing myself to make decisions and find a direction where i need to go. And it's a bit stressful as the joy of being is staying somewhere behind. It shouldn't be that way. So again and again i'm reminding myself - you can live a life with fear. Or you can live a life with love. Thats a two options you have. And you need to choose the best one.  

And as i know which one is the best - i'm starting from the beginning: being nice to people, sharing my love and emotions, hugging and kissing the ones i do care about, baking cupcakes and taking pilates classes, writing sentences about my experiences in volunteering, taking responsibilities i'm scared to do, but really looking forward. And this is how my life flows. 

It is important let the unknown happen. The same as have a direction where you're going. And do things with love. 

and 

all

 at once,

summer

collapsed

into

fall